

Chapter 4


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"Guarding yourself 
From the love of another 
Left you with nothing tonight 
Why does it sound like 
The devil is laughing 
Leaving me haunted tonight"

-Disturbed


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I am a big dummy. No really. But that's okay because I must 
maintain my comfort zone or else my brain and nerves get all 
frazzled and I get angry. For example, guys will bend over 
backwards to help me do things, carry things, work on 
homework, pay my way....whatever, take your pick. I give 
them a nice 'Thank you' and that-is-that.  

"You could have at least given him a hug! You know him, he is 
a friend." Sharon would nudge me on the arm when a guy 
walked away befuddled at my casual wave and a simple 
'thanks'.

"A hug? What for? If a guy does things for me and then expects 
physical payment in return, well he can just forget it. I'll hug 
my boyfriend, my parents, and maybe even you sometimes." I 
give a sly smile and nudge Sharon back with my elbow, 
"Hugging is a sign of affection and I don't dish out affection 
except to special people." I nodded my head at my clear and 
self-satisfying answer.

"You are one tough cookie." Sharon raised her left eyebrow at 
me, "But don't worry, I'll loosen you up." And she wrapped 
her left arm around my shoulder, hugging me tight.

"Oh great." I sighed.

So maybe calling myself a 'big dummy' was harsh, maybe I am 
just goofy? Or dorky? Or maybe none of the above! Yeah I like 
that 'None of the above'. They should include that in election 
choices.


*********


No matter how much time went by something was brewing 
between me and Taylor (or is it Taylor and me? Grammar what 
a pain! Sheesh!). There was just this vibe she was putting out, 
that she had a score to settle with me and Sharon (mostly 
Sharon I think).

I was standing in the locker room trying to actually relax as I 
performed a slight weight shift onto my right leg as I raised my 
arms above my head, I firmly clasped my left wrist with my 
right hand before leaning as far to the left as I could, then to my 
right, stretching and pulling my sore, tight lat muscles. 
Dropping my arms I slowly rolled my head back and forth 
trying to work out some of the tension from a physically and 
mentally exhausting two weeks. 

Unfortunately Taylor was also present that day, and only a few 
feet away, having us in the same room together was not a good 
idea at the time, but I wasn't going to rush along just because of 
her presence, besides, simple stretching exercises like this can 
go a long way in reducing one's anxiety, usually. I say 'usually' 
because I keep catching Taylor glancing over at me, and now 
I'm sensing something bad is about to come out of her big 
mouth, something usually always does. From the corner of my 
left eye I caught her hands almost rip off her shirt and toss it to 
the ground in a some kind of fit. *Sigh of relief* maybe she is 
mad at her shirt and not me! :)

Also, Taylor had been waging a war of words with various 
classmates against me and Sharon, saying crap like;
'How could she be friends with that snotty, fucking, bitch!'
'They now hang around each other all the damn time!'
'Pretty soon Corbin will start to act just like the rest of those 
idiots!'

Physically there were some distinctions between our body 
types; I had that toned almost muscular physique with almost 
no body fat while Taylor's own stocky build was wrapped in a 
layer of body fat, not a lot, but enough to soften her look. I 
guess she enjoyed eating fast-food too much to give it up for the 
pursuit of that 'ripped' look. 

Janet suddenly came around the corner and opened up her 
locker, which was next to Taylor's of course, "Hey that was a 
good practice game today, yeah?" Janet piped up and I was 
swept up in a moments relief, would Janet be that needed 
distraction? A saving moment of grace? Fat chance there! 
Taylor wasn't listening, she never does.
 
"Yeah." came Taylor's half-hearted mumbling response. I knew 
it, once her little mind capsized any better judgment simply got 
drowned by the moment. "You know what Janet, too bad we 
didn't get to finish off Princess the other day." I knew Janet to 
be a little more sensible and while she normally took Taylor's 
side I could tell she was backing down this time. I could really 
feel the blood flowing at a furious pace into my arteries, my 
ears were doing that pounding thing as I prayed 'Please god 
make her shut up, please.' I felt like I was being tested and my 
hands lowered to my side as I just stood paralyzed, looking 
straight ahead into that dark locker. Nothing but an empty void 
staring back at me, no one to help me....no one to intervene 
now....no one to say who is right or wrong.

"You know what, Sharon looked really cute in her...." came 
the last straw. 

THAT'S IT!

I slammed my locker shut causing both Taylor and Janet to 
jump with shock. I slowly, with purpose, stepped over the 
bench that separated us, even my legs seemed to move of their 
own accord. My left leg found it's footing, then my right, as I 
now stood only feet away from my antagonist. With every 
move it seemed that my anguish intensified, my blood just 
pumped faster thru my heart and I fought to control my 
breathing, 'Cool down and even things out' I tried to tell myself 
and it helped. It also felt like I was stepping out of one 'skin' 
and into another, the old 'Corbin' was still standing back at the 
locker, calling to me to ignore Taylor's taunts, 'Don't go!' my 
non-confrontational side cried out.

"Shut your fat mouth Taylor and take back what you just said." 
Not the most intimidating comment but wow what a rush! My 
whole body felt alive, my chest rising and falling like my very 
heart might explode, this was unlike any other level of energy 
I've been able to achieve in sports. But let pause right here and 
reiterate something....I do not like fighting....I just happen to 
be very good at it. The walls and everything around me started 
to fade away, leaving just the two of us, I didn't even see little 
Janet anymore, all of my focus was on Taylor.

"Well why don't you just make me shut up!" Taylor slammed 
her locker shut and turned to square up her shoulders. 'Nice try' 
I'm thinking but I can tell she's really scared of this getting out 
of control. Now how would I know that? I'm no mind reader 
but her eyes are darting all around, very twitchy and distracted, 
while I just have this laser-like fixation on her face.

I take another step forward, "Why are you pushing me?" 
Actually a calculated move on my part as I needed to get within 
striking distance. Something was switching in the back of my 
brain here, it was like I couldn't wait to start pounding on this 
girl. This new aggressive side really concerned me, 'Will need 
to worry and meditate about this new development later.'

"Why are you hanging out with that bitch!" Taylor was 
practically yelling. 

I however have no patience for this junk and reached out with 
both hands to shove Taylor on her shoulders, and the next 
thing you know her arms were flailing trying to catch her falling 
body. Her shoes slipped and down on her back she went, it all 
happened so fast that I was still coming to terms with the fact I 
had just pushed her and she was now down. Taylor fought the 
fall every inch of the way, I guess I must have pushed a lot 
harder then I intended, okay that's bullshit, I pushed her pretty 
hard because I wanted to.

"You just had to go too far!" My cheeks went flush with 
emotion, God I love this sensation! What is wrong with me? 
Actually nothing, it's just what your body does in 'fight mode'.  
Taylor was already scrambling back to her feet and had a 
perplexed expression, like one of disbelief, that she was just 
down on her butt. I expected and got retaliation as Taylor came 
at me with her own hard shove, but no dramatic falling on my 
part, I was expecting it. My torso simply twisted a little to the 
side as my feet sifted to a a slightly wider stance. 

"Going too far? Yeah that's right so what are you going to do? 
Nothing! So fuck you!" Taylor yelled and almost had tears 
coming out of her eyes, which surprised me, I guess her nerves 
were getting the best of her. 

'So let's get on with this!' my aggressive subconscious chimed 
in, but I also heard 'You're in trouble now! Fighting is bad!' 
from my good, sweet side, 'Think about your pristine academic 
and behavioral record at this School!' 

Which side should I listen to? 

Oh I know! 

So without further delay I dove-in to tackle Taylor to the 
ground. I have always been good at mimicking people in sports, 
show me once and I just have it down, so like the wrestlers in 
our school I go for a double-leg-take-down! Taylor let out this 
loud grunt when I dove in and slammed her down to the floor. 
Ouch, that's hard tile flooring below us, maybe not the best 
takedown strategy.

"Come on Taylor!" I hear Janet shout in support of her friend, 
now that pissed me off even more. The impact of hitting the 
floor was hard enough that even I felt stunned for a second, but 
quickly we reattached to one another. I was still on top but 
there was this massive amount of flailing, kicking, punching, 
clawing, it was total chaos! I was now in a full-blown fight and 
my heart and body was racing with energy, maybe too much 
energy, that started to worry me. I made my move and scooted 
astride my opponent's prone body while trying to dodge the 
slaps and punches. In fact I was doing a damn good job of 
deflecting her attacks, my body seemed to know exactly what to 
do next all on its own. 

"Oh shit! Wait you guys! Stop!" Janet started yelling.

My left hand let go of Taylor's pinned right arm and punched 
straight down into her gut, 'BINGO! Direct hit! I sunk her 
battleship!' The girl is now coughing and her face looks all red 
as she gasps for air. 

"Hey stop! Get off her!" I hear Janet yelling at me, I try to just 
ignore her as I move onto accomplishing my next task, inching 
up my adversaries body and planting my knees into this girl's 
armpits. I then saw an opportunity and tried to pin both of 
Taylor's arms to the floor; No more pinching, boob grabbing, 
clawing, slapping or punching. I noticed signs of exhaustion on 
Taylor's part; new, heavy layers of perspiration and unusually 
heavy panting. I guess her gas tank was almost empty, she had 
just come in from two hours of softball practice so that wasn't 
helping. Now I was hoping she would be saying 'I give!' any 
second and the fight would be over so no one really gets hurt, 
especially me! Of course with me now sitting on her rib cage 
breathing was becoming a real challenge for her.

'There!' I thought as I felt secure on top of her, "Look where 
your big mouth has gotten you!" I seethed, letting my own 
anger get the better of me as I seemed to almost gloat down at 
the struggling girl.

"Fuck you! You brought this on yourself, hanging out with 
those fucking snot-nosed cunts!" she shouted back up at me.

"You give up?" I pushed her wrists around on the floor a little 
just to prove I had total control over her arms.

"Fuck no!" Taylor yelled and thrashed even harder, that really 
pissed me off, and now all I wanted to do was inflict the most 
pain as possible and subdue this girl once and for all! 

"Get off of her!" I was surprised to feel Janet's hands pulling at 
my shoulders, trying to dislodge me. So little Janet has some 
spunk in her! Excuse me but I'll act impressed later, as for now 
I just turned my rage on the girl and gave Janet a firm shove, 
she went sprawling backwards.

"You get the fuck off me or you'll be next!" Janet looked at me 
with this horrible expression of fear, I actually wondered what 
my 'rage face' looks like in the mirror, must be pretty scary. In 
any case Janet's distraction allowed Taylor to start throwing 
wild, but ineffective, punches up from the ground with her now 
free hands. All I want to do is hit this girl again, I mean 'really' 
hit her, and my upper body twisted as my right arm chambered, 
'wait for the clear shot' and FIRE! Oh it landed with terrible 
impact and I felt instant satisfaction!

"Oh my god!" Were the very next words and they were coming 
from Janet, I looked over at Janet and then back down, a smear 
of red blood began to emerge from Taylor's nose, actually make 
that a river of blood! Amazing what the sight of blood can do 
and there was a lot of it coming out too. I quickly leaned back 
scooting off her body in my own surprise at the turn of events, 
mostly I was surprised at how quickly she started to bleed, must 
have hit a main artery or something. Taylor moved quickly to 
cup her face while I gathered my wits about me and slowly 
backed further away. I watched her trembling fingers as she 
touched and pinched her nose, the side of her cheek looked 
pretty swollen and red now as well. 'Wow' the tears were really 
streaming down her face now as she lay slumped against the 
wall trying to recover and get her bearings. Janet was quick to 
react and handed a nearby towel to her friend.

'Hope it's a clean towel.' Odd thought, just a little picky 
observation, I guess if my nose was gushing blood I would not 
care where the towel came from either. Ewwww....watching 
that white fabric quickly spot red got me a little queasy in the 
stomach.

"Jesus Corbin!" Taylor finally spoke up, her voice clearly 
trembling with emotion and she had this look of bewilderment, 
like she couldn't believe that she was sitting on the floor holding 
a towel to her bleeding nose. I reached over with my left hand 
and subconsciously rubbed the fingers of my right, there was a 
slight stinging sensation that had started shooting up my hand, 
especially when I flexed my fingers. I think we both used the 
nose bleed as a good excuse to stop the fight, besides I was 
getting out of control and Taylor was looking totally exhausted. 
She remained slumped against the corner for several minutes, 
her chest rising and falling rapidly with deep breaths, one hand 
holding a towel to her face, the other clutching her sore 
stomach.

"Well don't look so surprised! What the hell did you expect 
when you started running your mouth!" I suddenly launched 
into a verbal lashing again, 'Yeah! Now cuss her out some 
more!' the she-devil whispered into my ear, encouraging more 
bad behavior. 'You be quiet! You've caused enough trouble!' 
the nice angel chastised. 'Both of you be quiet!' I yelled 
subconsciously at the voices in my head. Now this is just 
freaky, I mean, I always have conversations in my brain, most 
people do I think, but these seemed like three very distinct 
voices. Come on! Can't I get a break? Anyway I can't worry 
about this mental junk now, need to focus.

I stood up on my wobbly legs and watched Taylor's left hand 
inspect her nose, she then threw the towel down apparent 
disgust. "I'm sorry." she mumbled, that comment totally caught 
me way off guard, I distinctly heard her voice crack with 
emotion and new tears began to run down her cheeks. 

Amazing, before it was all over I am giving her a hug and she's 
sobbing on my shoulder saying how she always liked me and 
never wanted things to come to this between us, asking for my 
forgiveness. This is crazy, now I am consoling this girl? What 
the heck is this madness? 

'I hope she isn't bleeding on me.' Is that an insensitive thought?

Taylor pulls herself together and my eyes travel over at Janet 
who remained standing like some statue, her eyes wide with 
disbelief. 


**********


Wow, what a change of scenery, the late afternoon sun was 
hanging a little low as I emerged from the girl's locker room 
and took a deep breath of the cool air, some humidity hung in 
the air but it was noticeably better then the oppressive heat of 
the locker room I was leaving behind. A slight breeze even 
chilled my body as I approached my car, I watched people 
milling about outside going about their daily business, 'So 
strange' that I should feel paranoid. I felt the tension rise in my 
back, waiting for a teacher, security guard or Principal to come 
running up to me any second, to scold and punish me for 
fighting, to suspend or expel me even. 'It goes against 
everything I've been taught, so why is there some feeling of 
liberation in what just happened?'

'Because kicking-ass feels great!' the she-devil in me roared.
'Silence!' the angel's voice commanded.
'Both you quiet!'
Just great, more arguing in my brain again. I need to see a 
Therapist, or Priest, or both! This can't be a good sign.

And then, everything seemed to slow down, a strange zen calm 
settled in over me as I drove my car, don't think I've ever had 
one of those 'zen moments' before....kind of nice. 

Now where am I driving to? I really wasn't sure.


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